Update 4. The habit of obligation

Old habits die hard, they say. Habits burn neural pathways in our brain that long outlast their utility.

I made a mistake about a month after I left my job. I sleep-walked right into getting a temporary residency visa for Mexico.

For so long, that was the plan. Probably a decade. It was a plan formed long ago by a different me in a different time, in a different frame of mind.

It’s only been in the last three and a half months that I’ve begun to realize that the me of today doesn’t want the obligations of residency in another country. The perks of being a visitor are far better at this time and point in my life.

Anyway, I think I sort of just reflexively went for the visa. And then my mind got hooked by the sunk costs. I spent all of April trying to figure out where I wanted to go in Mexico.

You see, you need a permanent address to get your CANJE (residency document). At least as I understand it. So, it makes sense to go where you’re likely to settle. The problem was I couldn’t decide where.

I even bought a ticket to Mexico City to break the logjam of indecision. But then it dawned on me.

The reason I was having such a hard time is because I don’t wanna. I’m not interested in being tied down. That whole idea of maintaining a single address in Mexico or any other country that isn’t the country where I have a house is costly and unappealing.

So what does this have to do with old habits and obligation — or sunk costs for that matter.

As a public defender, one’s entire life is ruled by deadlines, preparation for hearings and trials that never happen, and answering to authority (judges, clients, etc.). One rarely makes an autonomous decision about anything.

The habit is to check 40 different variables and demands first, and then decide within very narrow confines what to do. The obligations to others are infinite. The room to creatively decide independently is finite.

And so, having gotten the visa and paid for the flight, I was stuck in this mindset of having sunk several hundred dollars and many hours into this idea that I’m going to go live in Mexico. The problem of course is that I don’t want to go live in Mexico on those terms, both timeframe-wise and under the constraints of a residency visa.

So, what am I going to do?

I’m going to Mexico City on May 13 anyway — without a return flight. I’m going to let life unfold from there rather than here where I’m flailing. Lao Tzu will have to wait.

Storm clouds over El Paso, 2024